It is amazing how life changes in just a second of blink. I feel so much grown up and yet still feel so little inside. after so long, after all the undesirable incidents, moments of tearing, joy and happiness that i have watched, in these past 17 months, i am finally back to blogging. and i hate the fact that, i am still relying on my this little too privacy diary even after so long. i thought i found the guy, a person who i can express anything at, anything, serious. ha, reality slammed me on my mind, no, i did not. It is amazing how my desire to be a totally grown up girl still can be so high yet the atmosphere out there in this world is , terribly awful.
Maybe i should not justify it now since i have not seen it as much as my mom and my granny have had but i can clearly picture myself being as an adult. The towering competitions, hatred and jealousy, slavery in the working world, the road that i have to go through from a noobie to a well-experienced wise woman. that is what i thought.
I am 17 today, 1st of September 2010. i am soon gonna be 18 in the next month. i am glad i am still surviving in this world cos i surely do not want to miss the things that i have never had or done. i have so much to do yet, so little time. i have wasted the time almost the entire of it, but i am glad i wake up now and i am gonna rectify it all by myself. i am the only one who can make it a change, the diversify of the road whether the choice of left or right, it is all on my own. i feel so big now.
I have thought of blogging once again after so long each time seeing people's blogs fulled with beautiful expressions from the heart. i can truly see how blog becomes a place of expression of thoughts and minds. Nevertheless, it failed me every time when i want to start a word. i can barely continue it. Today, this incident truly made me write a pageful of words. It is sometimes hardly to guess how my heart speaks i guess.
Today, is one of the turning point in my life. i suddenly feel so much awake from the small baby's disneyland. I came to know that no one is actually worth ALL your time. I thought i could spend my 24 hours with Jye Lang, study with him, laugh with him, talking and more talking. i even hope that i could stay right beside him forever. just two of us. i just do not want to go back home but i guess, i am just wrong. It was sad to know that his parents or rather the whole family actually detest our action. they somewhat described it as "too over" Both the words represent extreme, when two combined, the results is disaster.
Notwithstanding that i did not get any support my loved ones, he eventually asked me to look at the bright side as in, tolerating with his family. It is not that i refuse to, but the feeling that i feel now is really complicated. It is like the mixture of anger and sorrow, i suddenly feel so much, alone. i have not been very happy for very long, i guess. i lost the enthusiasm in building friendship around me, i lost the mood to even start a new friendship, i lost the love i once had with my families, all the things that were in my mind all these while was him and studies. Anything else does not seem to be a matter anymore. With him, i have the world bestest friend ever, with him i have a perfect study partner, with him, i have the best joker, with him, i feel i am loved.
Wheel does move every second, even the happiest man will have to go through sadness in life. happy moments do not last long. i think i really need to rectify my perspective back to something that i should be going through. though no one is ever perfect but i want to be some one, at least, nearing to perfect. Thanks for waking me up. i feel so much grown up.
